Tuesday, January 27, 2009

I Am Asking For Your Help, Please

A close, dear friend who lives in Kent, England is embarking on a second career in burlesque and pole dancing. She teaches pole dancing and is quite adept at it and the gymnastics that accompany the endeavor. Burlesque is a venue to get paid for it, and to have a good time. As in any other profession, it takes more than just talent to break in. The London Burlesque Festival is just one of the best ways to do that.

All of the newcomers will be the same thing to win the on-line balloting. I hope you will join me in submitting a vote for Miss Glory Pearl. I appreciate your help. What may seem silly to you is actually very important to a dear friend and I hope you'll take the time to help out and send in a response. Please read her letter below, and I appreciate your help. Thank you in advance.

P.S. Please don't hesitate to life this post for your own site!


Dear friends, lovers, colleagues and betters

Miss Glory Pearl appears to have been shortlisted for the Newcomers Contest at this year’s London Burlesque Festival, a fact both daunting and deliciously exciting!

Sadly, there are limited places, and only those performers who make it through the online poll will get to perform at the Scala in London on April 3rd. This leaves Miss Pearl with no choice but to beg, plead and bat her eyelashes for your votes.

Details of the festival and all performers can be found here:


While my profile is here:


In order to vote, you need to complete the form pasted below – I have helpfully already filled in what I can for you ;-) – copy it into an email and send it, with the subject line 'LBF 2009 FEEDBACK' to this address:


The festival is an international one, so whatever charming corner of the globe you reside in, your vote will count.

There are many, many gorgeous and talented performers profiled on the website, so I hope that casting your votes isn’t too arduous a task; it is certainly very much appreciated, and with any luck, I’ll make it to the Scala.
Sincere thanks and sparkles in advance for your time.

With love

Glory xx



All Contenders are showcased from January 25th- Feb 5th at:





Please send returned forms by email to:



Deadline February 5th

In your own words please answer the following questions.

1- Have you attended any previous LBF or Chaz Royal events, if yes which event:

2- If yes please answer the following;

-Was it a pleasurable experience?

-What would you like to see more/less of at the event(s)?

3- Did you obtain this form from the LBF website or from a participating 'Contender'?

From a contender; Miss Glory Pearl

After reviewing all LBF 2009 Contenders, please list your favourite choices;

Top 5 International Performers:

Top 10 UK Headline & Features:
Top 10 UK Newbies:
1- Miss Glory Pearl

All bands, disc jockies & hosts listed at the LBF website will be selected separately.

Please list any additional feedback on the general organisation of LBF here:

We appreciate your feedback & will take all information into consideration while planning LBF 2009.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Stumping The Legal System

While everyone else was enjoying the Inauguration, I was in Court as a witness in a contempt trial between a divorced husband and wife. This is the third time I am testifying, but not the last. I generally end up wasting two days waiting to testify around 45 minutes.

Strangely enough, the actual testifying is much easier than the waiting. You see, I can't go into the courtroom until I'm called, and outside the courtroom is boring. The area has no magazines, no TV, but being up-to-date, there are two (2) pay phones at each end of the hallway. So you sit there waiting, doing nothing, until you're called to testify. Turns out, I was the last witness.

I was called to the stand, and the Judge greeted me as I made my way to the witness chair. I said, "Hi Judge" and smiled. This was our second time together and I really liked him. The attorney who called me to the stand asked me about 15 minutes of questions, some to the objection of the other lawyer. Then, the other lawyer took over and started her cross-examination.

First, she waived reading my background information. Then she asked me information about how the office ran. When I started talking about the economy, she objected as I hadn't been qualified as an expert. The judge over ruled her as she had waived reading my background. Then it got fun for me. There was an issue of a $22,000 note. Given assets of approximately $2,750,000 the first question was how much income could that generate. My immediate answer was $27,500 and then I pointed out that the broker wouldn't get that because the broker/dealer would have charges first and the broker would be lucky to get half. It's really a small margin business. Then I was asked how many more assets would be needed to pay off the note itself given the overhead, and I immediately responded another $2.2 million under the same assumptions if no salaries are paid.

The cross-examining lawyer and the judge couldn't believe I could do math that fast. I told the Judge that moving the decimal to the left was the same as multiply by .01 and moving it to the right by two decimals was the same as dividing by .01. While the lawyer was calculating, I leaned over, covered the microphone, and whispered to the Judge that I was no good at the Law, and that everyone had to be good at something, and he laughed. All things being equal, I tried to open an account with both the Judge and the cross-examining lawyer while testifying. The lawyer pointed out it would be a conflict of interest if they accepted. I pointed out how difficult the environment actually is for wealth managers today.

We need law in our society, it's important. It is not streamlined. I am not educated enough in the law to know if it works well or not. Legal reasoning is not logic. The law is rooted in English Common Law, which started as the Magna Charta, a contract between the King and his nobles as to what was allowed and not allowed by the King. This happened in 1215. As England grew, the King couldn't preside over the King's Court all over England, and Judges took his place, hence Judges are viewed as G-d as the King was.

I'd bet that a serf in 1215 understood the law a lot better than we do today. The original Magna Charta (there were something like 15 originals made and signed in Latin) along with the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution reside in the National Archives just a block off the Mall. Have a great weekend, I have a crazed kitten waiting to play!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

The DC You Never Hear About

We live in the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave. That was before the Secret Service started having their way in Washington, DC. When I used to commute downtown regularly, I had several contracts where the best way to and from the place where I was working was right by the White House. Not the Pennsylvania Avenue side, the other side on E Street.

What was unpredictable was when the President left to fly somewhere on Air Force One, or went to Camp David, he took a helicopter known as Marine One. The Secret Service considered it a matter of National Security to stop traffic on E Street in both directions until Marine One took off. You could easily wait 15-20 minutes, longer if someone needed to take a leak (the non-urological term). I still don't understand why they thought I could get off a better shot from a moving car than sitting under the helicopter waiting, but then I don't understand the Secret Service.

Then it happened. An embassy was bombed by a truck ramming it's way by the Marine guard station. Many concrete pylons have been poured and both Pennsylvania Avenue and E Street on either side of the White House were 'temporarily' closed to traffic. That was over a decade ago, and neither street has ever been re-opened.

Which brings us to modern day DC and the up-coming Inauguration. The Secret Service has really outdone itself this time. All roads into DC from the Beltway in are closed off to traffic. Below is the actual Virginia Department of Transportation Order:

2009 Presidential Inaugural Law Enforcement and
Public Safety Public Affairs Subcommittee Announces
Joint Transportation Plan

Virginia Vehicular Restrictions
All vehicular road restrictions will be coordinated between the Virginia
State Police, the
Virginia Department of Transportation and local jurisdictions. On January
20, 2009,
personal vehicles will not be permitted into Washington, D.C., from
􀂃 I-395 north will be closed to general traffic. As a result, northbound
I-95 traffic
will be diverted onto I-495 North (Inner Loop) or I-495/I-95 East (Outer
Loop) at
the Springfield interchange.
􀂃 Eastbound I-66 lanes east of the Capital Beltway/I-495 will be closed to
traffic. Eastbound traffic on I-66 will also be diverted onto I-495
􀂃 Only authorized vehicles – emergency vehicles, buses, taxis and for-hire
limos -
will be permitted on I-395 North and I-66 East within the Beltway.
􀂃 Memorial Bridge will be open to pedestrian traffic only. No motor
vehicles will
be permitted to cross the bridges.
􀂃 Key Bridge is restricted to mass transit only
- 6 -
􀂃 Chain Bridge is restricted to authorized vehicles and mass transit only,
no charter
􀂃 The Woodrow Wilson and the American Legion bridges will have no traffic
􀂃 North Washington Street at Montgomery Street (City of Alexandria City)
Reagan National Airport will be closed.

Not to mock anyone here, but why not just not let anyone attend the Innaugural?

In the event of an emergency (unspecified) the evacuation plan is that everyone will walk across the bridges to Virginia. And what about people who are emergency workers? How are they getting to work? G-d forbid someone goes into labor and needs to go to the hospital, or worse. We call these tiny implementation details.

I could go on, but then I'd have to tell you that the DC politicians want Obama to make his first Executive Order putting the DC license plate withe the slogan 'No Taxation Without Representation' back on the Presidential limosine. Bill Clinton had it on for his last month in office, and W had it removed. I'm kind of hoping for removing the restrictions on stem cell research that were imposed, not that I have an opinion, naturally. Whatever it is, let it be worthy.

You can learn more about DC by reading M@'s post today at why.i.hate.dc or learn to be a better person with Mel or do both!!! Have a great day, and if things are going bad, if you screw up, at least you don't work for the Secret Service.

Friday, January 09, 2009


Since we last spoke, Judy tore her rotator cuff in her right shoulder. MRI reveals about a three inch tear. Afterwards, she trips over a box outside the house falling on the sling first on the concrete. I see her going down head first and am yelling thinking she has a concussion or fractured skull since she doesn't picked up her head or make a sound. I am about to call the ambulance when she asks me to help her up, and she screams in pain. It's not a concussion.

We go back to the surgeon the next day. She has made the tear worse, and now has a hematoma (time to call ace physical therapist Tiffany for insights) on her leg, and souped-up Vicoden (she hates pain killers, but takes these, strangely enough because of extreme pain. When 6 pound Jakenstein walks on her leg to sit in her lap, she involuntarily screams, so she is taking the pain killers...for the cat). Gimpy has surgery Feb. 19.

Finally, I have found out that urology means that a big dude sticks the chromed tailpipe from a '32 Studebaker up your ass and takes a look around, and uses 80 psi of air to move things around if they get in the way. Getting older is a pain in the ass. Stay at age 40, refuse to grow up. I miss you all. See you soon. No pictures for this one either. More soon!

Thursday, January 01, 2009

Happy New Year!

It's 2009, hip hip hooray!

I had immediate dreams of winning a $384 bazillion lottery. With that much money, you build a compound, with a fantastic kitchen, I mean fantabulous, tons of counter space, walk in freezer, did I mention the personal chef that got hired? Then, I'd bring in Tiffany. I can afford to have the best in Physical Therapy, and she brings PB, an expert in Exercise Therapy with her. His son is still in Farmville (can you say Fahm vule). No problem, the G5 is parked 15 minutes away at the Gaithersburg FBO (that's fixed based operation or general operation airport). Also good for the quick trip to Toronto to see Echomouse on critical issues, like Teddy and the other cats, and the LBs, naturally. Very important.

Did I mention the heated swimming pool and custom gym in the lower area of one of the wings of the house?

Of course, even if I built two separate rooms as closet and shoe space for my wife, she would still need three quarters of my closet, wherever that closet was, for her clothes. I have empirical evidence, so please, I already know this. It's OK. In the new compound, I will have my own dressing room, with a retina lock on it.

Did I mention the exotic female vet who would live with us and the Persian girlfriend who would keep Jake company? Someone has to worry about a gourmet cat who thinks he should be fed pate everyday. He may have been fixed, but Jake has the non-stop energy to run day and night as it is, this is the time for a girlfriend, not when he's old and just wants to watch the birds playing football. I still run around with my girlfriend.

I'd also like a Lambourghini, and a 4 wheel drive Porsche Carrera. 

And I need a room with a 10 foot ceiling for a pole dancer, with a music system for the room. And a large room for tai chi and kung fu. And a green house, a fairly large one.

And several guest bedrooms, suites really. They could be more like a connecting house. What if Allan and Ali came with the kids? Each kid would need their own bedroom, and Allan and Ali deserve some privacy. And the master bedroom should have an immersion jacuzzi for 2 with a built-in whirl pool for relaxation. And each of the kid's rooms would need a separate bathroom, naturally. And you would need multiple internet connections in the guest house, because Allan takes so many pictures, you'd hate to have him run out of space. And the connecting tunnel to the main compund would be easy. It was 14 degrees out yesterday, and Allan is over 35. I'd hate to let something like bitter cold weather keep him from coming over for a nightcap. And worse, I can't wait to cook with Ali, she's way better than me, and I have this fabulous kitchen.......forget the professional chef for the time being. We're talking duck in it's own fat here.

The Meditating, Cogitating, Thinking Planning Room is where you go when, for example, Mel comes over and you want to sit with a couple of cups of coffee and reconcile existential philosophy with zen. Or decided if it's better to make snow angels in a six foot snow storm or a snow man. Or what the best thing to have with roasted chestnuts really might be. You know, the really critical things where you want to take your time and get things right.

The art work? By Franki, naturally. She's also my first choice to go get sushi with. I should try to see her again soon.

Then there's the scuba diving, and the compound in Costa Rica, funding the critical research in topics such as the best way to reheat french fries, but that the second multi-bazillion win, and I have yet to buy the first lottery ticket.

I guess I should resolve to just try to be a better person, and resolve to be here next year to write another New Years Day post. Have a great year everyone.