Saturday, September 30, 2006

My Video

I can't get a picture up, so here's a video.

And I hope that is the last request I get for pictures, thankyouverymuch. I really am in touch with my feminine side you know. Oh well, busy hands are happy hands. Three posts today, and only one visitor! Have a nice weekend.

Let's Stand For Something

I'm putting this one up on Saturday, because no one reads this blog on Saturday and I can safely write a really serious piece. The only reason I don't disable anonymous comments is because I haven't figured out how to do it. The only reason I can see for them is the crap you have to go through to be able to get recognized by blogger so you can post. It doesn't take that long, but it's not as easy as it ought to be.

But at least accept a little responsibility for what you're writing and sign an anonymous post to show a little integrity. Not that signing an anonymous post gives anyone integrity. So, I really don't respond to questions from an anonymous source. I have been discussing the same question with three folks who happen to be on the blogroll in e mail, and I think I have been consistent.

Now, if Anon is Pablo Chavez, Murray Chavez, or Julio Iglaciaz, my response is, I'm a Capitalist. If Anon is Phoenix Hearse my response is, you should be on my blogroll, but I'm afraid you're going to kill me. No pressure dude, let me know whenever. Priorities you know. The Mini-Derby, and the 100th, and the marinade for the fried weasel, it's all too much pressure. But I do thank you for the very important digression, I was building too much pressure, and I was going to blow a head gasket. And if anon was someone I had a disagreement with or someone that left in a huff and i had no idea why, then I have questions I'd like answered first.

As long as we're on the topic, I am still upset by the recent Congressional testimony. It is really just an affirmation that we all hide from each other. We show each other selected sides of ourselves. In my case, hopefully my best. My wife sees it all with me, and I have seen it all with her. And that's that. But there is a reality. We communicate almost 80%, according to research, by the tone of our voice. You can find that repeated over and over in the Communications Model in Social Psychology, Cognitive Psychology, Physiological Psychology, ad nauseum. Please don't ask for a specific article. You can find tons of work on the subject if you look. And Congress, our esteemed leadership is just finding out that Hewlett Packard, a major technology company had an 'investigative project' run amuck, possibly even had laws broken, certainly bent. The Board of Directors is in a shambles, the CEO was forced to resign, the General Counsel resigned and took the Fifth Amendment before Congress, just before the ex-CEO, who took the advice of the General Counsel, testified. (attention: if the prepositions and propositions are mis-matched and/or the adjectives/adverbs are mis-seasoned, let me know and i can change them. If you know how to change the colors of the type mid-sentence, or even mid-post, please write me) Now, if you were Patricia Dunn, wouldn't you be uber-confident when everyone before you who had worked for or with you, invoked their Fifth Amendment Rights before Congress. I'll bet there was a lot of e mails, and text messages, voice mails even. But not a lot of talking to each other. Why waste the time, and this much space, on a Saturday on this. The damage was confined to those inside HP pretty much, wasn't it? ell, maybe, maybe not.

What happened at HP is typical of society, the entire world's society. We are ignoring each other more and more every day. We pay a ton to see a chosen few in the entertainment field whom we have come to know and love, and think of almost as family, but talk to a stranger about a book in the library? We are well-trained since we can talk about strangers. Not that celebrities have it all that good either, they just get obscene pay. Watch what happens when they go out for a haircut, or almost anyplace in public. The army of photographers, who sell the pictures to the magazines we subscribe to so we can keep abreast of our extended family. We must get the dirt, and find out that they are no different than us. Wait, Paris Hilton likes sex too! Shut my mouth. I didn't know women liked sex. When did that start? I'm a little weird, I haven't got a clue who Lindsey Lohan is, and I can't tell you much about Paris Hilton except she makes the news I see for strange reasons. Personally, I'm more interested in learning more about spoon, a real person.

I have hinted, but not explicitly expanded a lot so far. Think about our organizations throughout society. The people at the top making policy. Maybe there isn't quite the unanimity you would hope for. There is dissention among the directors. Squabbling over how things should be done. Orders are given. Memos are written. Armies of lawyers review, digest, argue among themselves, opine and then cleanse the final draft until the 'document' is sent into the field. Now, the procedure are set. This could have been HP, or the World Health Organization determining how to deal with an outbreak of bird flu influenza.

There appears to be a price to pay for insulating ourselves from each other. We certainly don't know each other, not nearly as well as we should. The bank should know me, I put my money there. I go there a lot, but there is always a new manager, and that person is always so busy. The last time I was there, I waited an hour and a half to get to the manager because I needed a notary public, and that manager was the only one anywhere for miles in any direction. The bank figures that I am going to bank on-line most of the time, and that knowing the local manager isn't a big deal anymore. The grocery stores are national chains, the store mixes are determined bu optimized geographical areas that can be supplied in railroad car size deliveries to the warehouses. Ever tried to get help at Google? Unless you're talking Investor Relations, we're talking the computer.

The computer, the ultimate personal customization machine!

This has been The CEO beep

Friday, September 29, 2006

So What Do You Want To Change, And Why

The ads and the FireFox emblem are supposed to be below the blogroll and the who am I thing, which I haven't filled in yet. But it generates an error I can't find so far. I can see a preview that is exactly what I want. I just can't make it stay there. I tried putting them across the bottom, and across the top. Beta is uncooperative. Maybe I just need duct tape. I don't know. The top will accommodate 2/3 of the ad. The bottom seems to have a bug. I'll keep trying, but I'd like to hear from you, the loyal reader.

I have to tell you, the visions of built-in refrigerators and Ferrari's are no longer dancing in my head. What price grandeur. A mission to the local beer and wine store is more likely. I do like the color in the FireFox button. Yeah, color!

Mission Control Announcement

After two brief delays, we actually did achieve a liftoft today. It was, and still is, a bit wobbly, but hey, you go sit between a major and a panty hose manufacturer at 8:00 am and try to look bright eyed, wide awake, and interested.

Please note the advertising on the right. We are a full service blog now. It's not where I put it in the template, but this is beta. Please don't click on the thingys unless you're a serious buyer. We're ethical on this blog.

More after a coffee IV and the meeting has ended. Probably a real post.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Humita Humita

Pending further notification and due to fast breaking news, this post is under rapid development and will be available for your edification sometime this afternoon. Stay tuned for impending news.

9:50 am Breaking News the Dow Jones traded briefly above it's old high 0f 11722 while John Thane, President of the New York Stock Exchange was on the floor. As soon as he left, the Dow dropped and boredom was restored.

In other news, once again Avast! has won all awards as the best anti-virus software in the world both personal and commercial. If you are a home user, you can use it for free. Please note that my advertising isn't up yet, and this is for real. Here is the Avast site!

Finally, Happy Birthday.

10:54 am Breaking News the quarter ends tomorrow, have you funded your IRA yet? The DOW is now negative, a good buying opportunity! Also breaking, Secret Girlfriend has left to get married. If you lurk, here's your chance to leave her a wish for a happy life. Secret Girlfriend's blog is easy to get to, click on her underlined name. Leaving a smooch is always fashionable before a wedding!

12:13 pm Breaking News the DOW is down 23 and investigators from HP just took the Fifth in front of Congress, all of them. Congress looks like they need an Easy Button.

Which brings me to a more pertinent question I get asked a lot. Am I a cop? No, I am also not a secret agent. I put cops and secret agents at ease by asking them if i look like a cop or a secret agent. I can generally get two martinis down and smoke a joint before they can get up off the floor. I had this tough old Sergeant from Tactical (I have no idea, but I am glad he thinks I'm funny) laughing so hard he dropped his bridge, and was crying. I do fly combat on the Beltway with other folks, but that's a different post. I can't wait to get the new photon torpedo array for the car for The Morning Rush.

2:34 pm Breaking News the DOW is up 17 points and drifting. Patrician Dunn, former CEO of HP is telling 'her' story to Congress. Everyone doesn't care anymore and is looking for a nap or a shower. We are calling a halt to our tick by tick broadcast of the trading day with the hopes that it may happen tomorrow. Mark Hurd of HP will be testifying later, and who cares. Like, we all trust big companies explicitly. They have our best interests at heart, and they never lie, wear white hats, and always ride off into the sunset. I'll bet bitacle is a corporation. Me, I'm gonna blog for a while. Phoenix Hearse is going to get her 100th post on Friday, possibly, so get a good seat now. I need to catch up over at Mist's blog, I'm way behind over there, and that's not good. Missing some of my blogging buddies is like not having chocolate, or oxygen.

5:21 PM Breaking News The Dow closed up 29 points, 4 points off the old closing high. Maybe tomorrow. Congress, in extensive testimony of HP CEO Mark Hurd has just discovered that people in our society no longer talk to each other. We send text messages, e mail, we blog but we leave actual talking to politicians running for political office. And that's why these hearings are on TV. You read it here first, at 5:25 pm, on The Morning Meeting. Thank You, and Good Night.

Stay tuned for more breaking news later on today or tomorrow or whenever!

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Mission Control to CEO

This is the second day in a row that we have scrubbed your mission before liftoff at 4:45 am due to a major error in loading your primary operating system. Today's error seems to be non-recoverable and we're starting to replace some major subsystems. You must stop abusing your peripherals.

Fighters were scrambled from two different Air force bases and your alarm clock was successfully destroyed before it could cause any more damage before 5:00 am. Who were you trying to kid? You didn't light a test light. No fog on the proverbial mirror. Give a controller a break. And don't try to lay this one off on CMHL's brilliant post yesterday. You were comatose before that post ever occurred.

While we're at it, your recent record of achievement has been terrible, horrible, zapufftekka. Have you paid any attention to the portfolio lately? No. Have you expanded the business? No. Increased revenue? No. Missed meetings? You bet. What have you been doing? Don't say a word. I'm going to tell you what you have been doing. You have been BLOGGING. Blog blog blog. And then you e mail everyone. All day long. I am not going to discuss some of the topics you have covered, we'll pretend I don't understand them. And where did this $600 bill for beer come from? We'd like to see you do something a little more constructive, like maybe going out and killing a mastadon, and putting some meat on the table already. Or drumming up a little advertising.

And finally, at the request of all of the other controllers, we're confiscating your IPOD. Most of the controllers that have to listen to you could handle your incessant humming. But when you started singing "Ode to Joy" in can't carry a tune in a bucket, and I am not going to start retraining that many controllers. No more IPOD for you. No appeal. Now, either shape up, or out you go.

(door slams)

Now that my 'father' is gone, I was thinking about a plan for expanding our sexual horizons for tomorrow. Would anyone have any ideas about that?

Monday, September 25, 2006

Bitacle Shitacle It's Ain't Very Whimsical

If you go over and read Alison's blog you will find two different posts, one here and here about an outfit named Bitacle that is ripping off blogger's content and putting it up as their own. I did sit up and take notice about the monitize part though. There will be change around here, I am a Capitalist, you know.

Now, Alison has a simple point. Look up near the top. It ought to say something like and there are a lot of things that are a tip off that you are in the right place. Great women. I mean REALLY great women. You won't find Cindy or Rebecca at Bitacle. You won't find Mist there. I promise you that Alison is not going there of her own free will. And if they aren't going there, I'm not going there. They'd probably make me drink white zinfandel. So, if there aren't any great women there, the great guys aren't going either. This is not rocket science. If you can open a beer can, you can follow this one. So I ask you. if you see the word bitacle in the URL at the top, why would you stay there at all?

We Need To Learn To Fight Better

I hope you all had a great weekend. Personally, I solved the issue of a national energy policy, again; reiterated the need for the United nations regardless of liking or not liking the rhetoric there, again; pointed out that oil prices are falling regardless of what the President of Venezuela says, again; and had a simply wonderful dinner. I might point out that not one of those issues occurred with someone who lived in the United States. I hate to be the one to tell you, but the internet is for more than porn.

I have started a systematic search, but i have not yet found a medication to fight the blogging addiction. But I digress.

I have a nameless friend who is having a screaming fight with a man. I asked if they were having trouble hearing each other. I mean, I scream when people don't seem to be able to hear me. Don't you? Otherwise, it strains my vocal cords. I think the bigger problem is manoevering. Trying to get an advantage over the other. In other words, having something to hide. It is so much easier to simply say "When you (describe the behavior) swill zinfandel with my roast dinner, (now describe how you feel) I feel so hurt and crushed having spent six hours making dinner". Now, let's say you don't understand this. you might say. "I don't understand, please tell me why?" Perfectly valid. And you might hear that it's the mixing of a sweet white wine with a hearty red meat that is just sooooo inappropriate.

Now, if you aren't such a skilled negotiator, you should always consider arguing naked. Hard to hide things that way. They might try that at the UN. Want to limit arguments? Limit the arguments to a steam room. You want to argue, only in there. Resolve it there, or make another trip back in. Simple eh.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

More Rules

I called this emergency session to inform you that I do not check SAT scores before letting you comment here. I know that yesterday I got a little out of hand actually touching reality, talking about a meeting I actually went to, with people that actually live and breath. The guy with the panty hose is real. The woman who wants a strategic relationship is just as real.

The big reason they don't know about blogging is because they are too busy. There are several real reasons they are afraid of blogging. The ones with kids are worried about the information that goes out there, and stays out there forever. Storage is cheap. The others worry that their competition will discover their trade secrets if they put it on the net. Of course the fact that they ask their customers what other firms do doesn't give them heart failure for some reason, but that's not why we're here. As far as being outted. I don't think so. For the business, I'll build another blog if I have to, or show people other business blogs.

But I did not decide to write this blog for the business community. I got a bazillion reasons (the abbreviation for bazillion appropriately is BZ), and my own laughter is close to the top. I like laughing. I worry about going over the top, over the hill, over the dale, and over the wall. So, I have friends who write comments that say, "Asshole, you have exceeded all bounds of taste, style, and acceptable behavior." I give it the pout test. If I am pouting, they must be right, and I delete it. Notice the lack of heavy intellectual repartee involved. Of course, I reserve the right to say, "nah, nah, nah, nah, nah" and the discussion continues. Furthermore and notwithstanding, there is no limitation on the number of comments you may make. I am The CEO, and I ought to know.

I have come to decide that this is the appropriate way to run this firm, er blog as a result of reading the entire Constitution of the United States of America.

Next, there is no requirement that you agree with me. I think that stands by itself. If you need me to explain it, leave a comment (Wasn't that just ingenious).

A corollary. This one is going to slay you, get ready for it. I'm married. I really, really, really prefer women. Part of the reason is I grew up with women, and no men. I really like to cook, something my wife has been trying to break me of doing. Women say to her, "are you crazy?" and she says "....he doesn't do anything you can eat and lose weight." We fight over things like the dish washer. I hate it. I won't use it. I have rule. My knives do not go in the dish washer, EVER. NEVER. NOT EVER. See what I mean. The average guy has passed out by now. Woman who know a 7" santoku from a 3 1/2" paring knife are standing with me chanting "you hand wash them, then hand dry them" and I'm standing here saying "TEAM". So, you rarely find me with guys. Don't let that stop you. I sharpen my knives while I watch football.

Then there are those of you that put wasabi on pbj sandwiches. Stick with the sliced ginger, you'll like it better. Now, you can use the wasabi with some nice salmon cat food, along with some soy sauce and I'm talkin' downtown eating!

Last, and this is important. You need not be a resident of the United States to comment here. Nope, not a requirement. Can you imagine if the people of the world found out that the other people of the world were all pretty much alike, and that it was their leaders that were assholes, all their leaders,........fuck it, I'm into laughing.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Hissy Fits

Today it finally happened. I hit the wall. The gloom descended. My head turned into a polka-playing accordion from hell. Nothing productive came out of the brain. I paced, I fumed, I talked to The Cat. I sought inspiration in all the usual places. Neither Jack nor Jim had anything to offer. I actually didn't have any Jim Beam in the house, but that's another issue.

I tried blogging, reading all these other blogs, looking for inspiration. Zero, zip, zilch, nada. And there's this one woman who is so much better than me, so much funnier, so much faster, so much better with words, enormously attractive, smarter than me and all my CPUs. I was totally outclassed. Overmatched. Outwitted. Zeflufficated.

Hysteria set in.

So, I did the only thing humanly possible for me. I went to the kitchen, made a little snack, and went upstairs and got under the covers and hid. I started with a little soup from my little thermos. And I had a little of my tuna fish on toast, with a little cheese on it. And since I was an anxiety eater, I put a little pate on top, because if I tried putting it on crackers, there's be a high speed death, and this little story would be over. And then it hit me, the solution. And I could end this little travesty of senseless craziness, illustrative of my grief, my inability to get a little solace in my own bed. I wasn't even a pale imitation of the 'real thing', and therein lay the solution. I finished my little snack and started to leap out of bed.

Suddenly, my wife rolled over and said something in Russian. Startled, I said, "what are you trying to say?" This, naturally, woke her up. She wanted to know what was wrong. I simply responded, "The blog needs freshening up, some young blood, some life." As she was drifting off, she said, "call one of your bloggy buddies on your board..." I did tell her sleeping body that it was blogger buddies, but she didn't hear me.

So, I fired off a fast plan to Alison, and I am waiting for her to get back to me. A merger, or a hostile take over, something that might make me laugh again. I can't wait to see what she says. Ali knows about everything worth . She knew there were really six (6) mother sauces, not five (5) when I didn't. And that's why there's no meeting today. Maybe Ali has something up?

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

When The Going Gets Tough, Count Your Blessings

There's an old story that if everyone stood around in a circle and threw their problems in the center, they would all take their own problems back. Who else has more experience dealing with those problems anyway, I ask you.

Last night, like a bolt out of the blue, or actually the dark, it hit me like a blinding glimpse of the obvious that I was simply surround by fantastic people. Really. On-line, in real life. Just like everyone else, there are some miserable so and sos in my life. But, on balance....I need to open my eyes and see y'all out there more often.

So, take the rest of the day off. And get something totally decadent, wallowing in chocolate, and eat every last morsel of it. And grab somebody for some all-important group maintenance. I'll be back later!

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Answering Some Mail

It's been a busy day. Thailand is in the process of a military coup. Bush is addressing the United nations. The Cat wants to play, and that is a very high priority, and the market is down. So, I though I'd answer some of the anonymous mail I have gotten lately

First, those who have screamed at me for being a Republican/pinko/Democratic/fascist/etc. let me say this. Unaligned moderate. And that will end the political discussion here. I loath both parties, plain and simple and vote for individuals and what they stand for, so please, no platforms.

Next, and I don't know where this came from. Hunting. You kill it, you eat it. Or someone eats it. Someone else slaughters the cow I eat. Fine Trophy hunting is where I draw the line. I could write about this for a long time. This is a nice, simple place to leave it. Same thing with fishing. Either eat 'em, or there is catch and release. Ultimately, it's learning to respect other living things. If this isn't your thing, you may be one of the people that sent me the next set of mail.

For those that have offered spanking to put me in my place, both of you. What other benefits are you offering? Any medical benefits, holidays off, 'other training'? Or just staying in this particular 'place' you have in mind? And can you 'splain the enlightenment that the enema is going to provide? Any other job enrichment benefits I ought to consider? I consider all of my mail VERY carefully. I actually have written a lot more than I spent reading some of these, but I mean no disrespect.

I did get one note suggesting that I read an article pointing out that in Toronto, the majority of graduates are women, and that by the year 2020, the ratio will be closer to 80% women. The article built on this and suggested that more and more women will be marrying and running larger corporations. They pointed to Carly Fiorina, and several other women running Fortune 500 companies, all of whom are married. And the conclusion, the need for more trophy husbands. This was a real article folks, and I promise to post it as soon as I find it.

My most honest response is, I am already a Trophy Husband, and proud of it. This post is late because we got to spend some "Quality" time together last night (that's a longitudinal thing, slipping that quality thing in from yesterday's post, very long term thinking here). I am actually Mr. Judy CEO out in the community, because EVERYBODY knows her. So, I seem to be on the bleeding edge.

I think all the propositions and infinitives are in bed now, and that's enough with the mail. Any questions?

Monday, September 18, 2006

Sometimes We Wing It

I called this meeting to cancel it. I just couldn't be in three places at the same time. There's this little thing about preservation of matter (I just love science). I ought to book lunch with that Einstein guy, but my German is lousy. Ich nicht sprechen zie Deutsch (if I can't spell in English, forget about it in German). Which reminds me, I just have to learn more about string theory. But I digress.

I saw my nephew this weekend. He's a lawyer. Do not confuse him with The Lawyer, a person with an assured place with the likes of Oliver Wendell Holmes, Felix Frankfurter, John Jay, Clarence Darrow, and other great legal minds of our time. Place him with those adept at aggravating you with words. As good as he is with words, I might as well be on another planet. If Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus, or vice versa, whatever (I am now officially out of my element), then those of us who heart races when you say inferential statistics are looking for the oxygen tank (or the nitrous tank) around the wordsmiths. Really you say? Honest. When Niels Bohr wanted Einstein to know about atomic/nuclear power, he sent him a note with a single equation on it. Einstein translated the equation to everyday language and sent it to Roosevelt, and the Manhattan Project was born. OK, it could have been two equations, but I don't think so.

Why suffer through all of this farfegnugen anyway? Quality! The issue is quality. Can you sing it with me? Quality!!! Nice lilt there.

"Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" was written in the 70's. Gives it the same kind of patina as The Beattles and The Stones, perhaps the most often asked "The " Question asked about Quality when you come to think about it. OK, I'll get to the point, I know that you've got a thousand things to do yada yada yada. One of the themes of the book is that there is no quality in science because you can't define it. There is quality in the arts, but no one can define it, they just know it when they see it.

I suspect that we are all after more quality in our lives. I doubt that any of us sees it the same way either. Where one thinks that blueberry muffins is the bee's knees, someone else can't bear the thought of anything but biscuits and gravy. Don't even get me started on grits. And we're not past breakfast. The CHAT mode has shown me that I cannot hold anyone spell bound for more than an entire sentence, so my oratory may not hold any solutions either. Note to self, check with Sigmund about possible listening problems. OK, I'm back. So, I am opening the floor for any ideas on quality out there!

Friday, September 15, 2006

Just When Blogging Started To Be Fun, They Started Playing The Music From Jaws

I called this meeting because I have to be up and out early today. Feed the cat, the cat always needs a variety. This crowd wants me, and they have great numbers that they are throwing around. Numbers are really my idea of eye candy. I have my copy of Freud's "Interpretation of Dreams" for those idle moments when I want to get away from things, so all should be well.

My big burning issue of the day before I have to run is this? do i have to keep typing all these capitol letters? the less i have to hit the damn shift key, the less i have to water down my alcohol with tylenol for my artheritis, and why kill a good buzz? crucial, pithy, necessary, issues for today! do people really talk at 8 am meetings?

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Damn Computers

I called this meeting because there are some things that simply drive me crazy. I cannot get a routine down with this computer that works for me. I like to write The Morning Meeting between 11:00 pm and 1:00 am, which is when I may or may not be swapping e mails with others, more people than you would imagine. I also may be on the phone with a friend in California. But by 2:00 am, I start to fade. The markets do open at 9:30 am, you know. If I publish at 2:00 am Eastern time, the date is still reflected as yesterday, and regardless of what the documentation says, I can't change it. Can't make the built-in blogroll work right either. Looks simple, I'll get it. I have this pipe wrench....

So, in the future, when you arrive first thing in the morning, and you see a post with yesterday's date on it, mentally adjust and make it today's date. I can do that, because *I* am the CEO! And, that's why I had a breakfast pepperoni calzone with a Jimmy Dean croissant with egg and sausage. I need the carb fix because the secret girlfriend is getting ready to leave town. Forget that she's getting married on October 6th, I can handle that. What makes this an intolerable loss is she is my source of killer blueberry muffins. Some people I know will move mountains for peanut butter goodies. Need I say more? My hands are trembling just thinking about the withdrawal.

I am in major negotiations this afternoon, stay tuned for a major announcement, please. In the meantime, what's on the collective mind of the hive today?

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Back To Work

I got the hot green tea, the coffee, and today I made French toast for your culinary pleasure. Wheat toast for those staying slim and trim. And, if I can't make it Alison can, because she doesn't need cookbooks anymore, and I still use them. Now, on to today's business.

Everyone has sex, they just don't have sex with everyone. And that's a start. Now, who was a natural, just took to sex like a duck to water? Never an awkward moment? A show of hands will do nicely here. Why didn't we get any training in school, around the 7th grade? Sex ed, film, theory, books, all were nice, but kind of missed the point. We needed a lab! Now, if you still need some help in this area, the Internet is for you! Audacia Ray is a certified sex worker in New York City and will refer you to where all types of technique can be found. She is the second blog I found on the Internet. She knows more about sex than anyone I have ever met, and she is uncommonly bright on top of it, and quite capable of great conversations in e mail, when she has the time. So there's your expert.

But sex is a hands-on sport, and just reading about it or watching it in a movie isn't quite enough to get you started. And kids are starting younger and younger today. That's great for the few that will get a lot of positive experiences and develop increasing self-esteem. What about the rest. We need a good idea here.

A long time ago, I had a friend named Henri, who was a French chef. He was trained in Paris, grew up there in fact. He had five kids, one was a gorgeous woman , we'll call her Peaches, who turned out to be gay. I liked Peaches, and over the years, we became good friends. I didn't care that she was gay, and we could talk about anything. That included how bad she felt that her father was so dissappointed in her. It took a while, and being willing to confront a guy that could pick up a side of beef all by himself about a topic that gave him pain, and tell him gently that he was being a stupid ass. Nicely. Saying things like "I'd give an arm and a leg if she was my daughter, Henri" help.

When Peaches birthday came around, I was invited. It was her 21st birthday, and I was a 28 year old, healthy male, the only male, at the party. I went over to her and gave her a huge hug and kiss along with an envelope with a very nice birthday card and gift certificate to Victoria's Secret. Peaches laughed at me and said,"that won't get my nipples hard, but if you talk to Patches..." and that's where i found out that when you can make friends with gay women, and they don't think you're competiting with them for what they see as a shrinking supply, they can show and tell you a lot about making a woman happy, since they have the same problem. And that is why I have always identified with lesbians, the very best lesbians, naturally. Go back to the beginning, I do have standards, you know. Look at the quality of the folks I let in here, yourself included!

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Our Values and 9/11

I called this meeting to reflect on the fact that we are trying to change the worldto make it a better, happier place for everyone. If I can make a couple of you happier every once in a while, and a couple of you do the same, with similar success, that adds a lot of happiness to the planet. So Cindy, who is now maybe a supple 22 year old photgrapher in training, and Alison, and the Smile Commander, and The Lawyer, and the rest, who you are just starting to learn about a little; a bit of music to remember those who perished five years ago, and may some of the heroism that those on Flight 93 exhibited rub off on all of us to help make this a better place to live.

I have some coffee, tea and bagels, who has the cream cheese? Any questions?

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Some Stuff

I called this particular meeting because I have not been able to figure out what to call this post. A really, really close friend Cindy is having her birthday on September 10th. I like to tell everyone that she is my mistress that I keep hidden away in the Northern woods, and I'd be there now but the corporate jet is being overhauled. The real story is that Cindy is going back to school in the hopes of becoming a professional photographer. So I promised I'd leave her alone while she studies and does her school work. If you click on the place where Cindy's name is underlined, you can go directly to the blog of this Nordic wonderment and leave a birthday message. Just to show you that folks have more talents than are obvious, besides being a well-built, desireable woman, Cindy also has a blog for her writing and poetry.

Now, a discussion has ensued. I think that there's no more than seven of you that come by here. Most of you don't know Cindy, so I am really hoping that you all go wish her a happy birthday if you're one of the seven regular hearty ones, or if the Smile Commander and some the others are right and there are lurkers. Lurkers, please wish Cindy a happy birthday, and tomorrow we'll return to our sexploitation, by answering a question or two.

Friday, September 08, 2006

A Market Anomaly

This is actually a serious post. You can tell by the look on my face. I got a letter from a dear friend about investing the proceeds from the sale of a house, and how much she was looking forward to doing this. She included a quote from a gentleman named Ney about crooks and thieves, and that's when I decided to drop thinking about sex for a moment and write a serious post. I have been investing for myself for a long time. This is an area where you can do it well, or horribly. You have some choices to make. You can go to a fee only financial planner and have that person go through all of your finances, produce a financial plan, and invest your money for you. You can call a mutual fund company like Fidelity or T. Rowe Price or Vanguard, and talk to them about how to invest with them. Or, you can do it yourself.

You need to get educated, and that includes finding a broker. If you go to a big house, like Merrill Lynch or Morgan Stanley, you won't get an experienced broker unless you have at least $35,000 and then, it's doubtful. The better the broker, the more you need to get to him or her. So what do you do?

First, open a money market account at a Fidelity, or T. Rowe, Price, or Vanguard, or your bank, and deposit your money. No exceptions. Second. get educated. No substitute, no deviation. And ABSOLUTELY NO DELEGATION. One book to start, Jim Cramer's "Real Money". This does not mean you know anything. It means you have started. If you have learned anything, you have learned not to bet the ranch on anything, and to ease into things, and to do your homework. Now, you can start.

So what's the big deal about a market anomaly, And why do you always leave the best for last, are you some kind of deranged Judy Collins nut? That was a rhetorical question, by the way, for those of you that didn't recognize it.

OK, gather around, we don't tell these kinds of things to just anyone. There's this guy Barry Ritholtz. Nice smile, decent tie, and he scares the hell out of Larry Kudlow on CNBC. Kudlow is a leading Republican economist who wants you to believe that the economy is going up forever. Barry Ritholtz has correctly called the direction of the market for years now. Mr. Ritholtz writes for which is owned by Jim Cramer. Mr. Ritholtz wrote a series of articles called The Apprenticed Investor. If you want to become an investor, if you want to become a better investor, you must read this series. I reread several articles every month because I always need to get better.

Here's the nice part. You can read Mr Ritholtz's blog for free. He writes about the economy and a whole host of items with at which is how I found him. You can also reference the Apprentice Investor from the right margin. Market Anomaly? You can buy his research for $400 a year which includes market calls. They don't come every week. But, I made the $400 back the first week I had the account. That has never happened with any other Wall Street research I have purchased.

If you want more information, go to Mr. Ritholtz's blog. is his e mail address

Now, I'm going back to work!

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Team Building

I called this meeting because team building is an important issue in an organization like this one, given the far flung reach of what we do here. We have lots of people from the United States, but clearly, yesterday Oneil stopped in from somewhere and left us with a hook. A little Gilbert and Sullivan ditty called "You Dirty Man". And that's what I translated that phrase into, Gilbert and Sullivan.

A hook is something you can't get out of your head for hours or days on end. Put on your best falsetto and stand back and let it flow "I love him, I love him, I love him, and where he goes I'll follow". Get that one out of your head. I know I have "Pirates of Penzantz" rolling around in myhead, and everyone I ran into today has benefitted from it. As an aside, Oneil, we have a place for you here.

So, what does this has to do with team building you ask. All of my people blog. I insist on it. The cross-fertilization and infusion of new ideas cannot be matched. I could never create the kind of technology transfer for them as a group that they implement as individuals. And when they share the best of what they have found, the organization can only get stronger. All I need to do is to provide the direction we're heading, and the empowered environment for us to thrive in. And hope they share the best pornography with me.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Dress Code

I called this meeting to inform you that indeed, we have a dress code. I ask all of you to at least wear underpants as a minimum. This eliminates the need for me to clean up shit stains from the new swivel chairs with the vibrating tens units built in. Please remember, cleaning is NOT my life. About everything else is OK. Which brings up another issue which was raised yesterday.

In this organization, all people are considered equal, we let you demonstrate otherwise. So, men and women are equal, neither is better than the other. We can all bitch, but ultimately, we all are bitching the same about each other. We don't discriminate on race, age, country of national origin, your ability to cook, or how you dress or cup size (that's goes for both men and women) . Similarly, we do discriminate if you're a dirty asshole regardless of your race, sex, age, country of national origin, etc. Any problems are automatically handled by The Lawyer. I therefore declare that we are truely egalitarian, as opposed to France, who just put it on their flag. So, don't call me Boss, please.

And to wrap up this meeting, please, just use the bathrooms for bathroom stuff. I bought this townhouse with three bedrooms, a finished basement, plenty of room. There aren't enough bathrooms for y'all to be making out in them when you could be using a perfectly good bedroom. So please, leave the toilets open for those of us that actually still use bathrooms for normal human bodily functions performed alone by most grown ups. And for the Green Tea drinkers, we won't run out, I have this deal with Starbucks.....

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

The Lawyer (Part 1)

I called this meeting to begin explaining The Lawyer, not an easy task. When you go looking for a lawyer, you go looking for someone that can accomplish what you need done legally in a cost effective and efficient way. You are not looking to make friends. In other words, you want the most vicious killer sum bitch on the planet. So, after a lot of research, I got The Lawyer.

People see great court room dramas and think, that's the lawyer I want. Get me Clarence Darrow. I went after a woman who stands maybe 5' 2" in her stocking feet. She is the ultimate litigator. She once terrorized an insurance company for me to where they settled for 50% more than I hoped for, and then their defense firm sent her an additional check for wasting her time.

I have seen her wilt a 6' 8" forward on a professional basketball team by just looking at him. She just sort of narrowed her eyes before she started her cross examination, and he couldn't take it. Then she threw the book at him. First, it was the textbook on "Torts". Hit him right in the head, Then she threw the book on the "Rules of Evidence" at him, and broke his nose. He started crying and confessed everything over his lawyer's futile objections. Reese Witherspoon used her as a model for her roles in her movies. She has been approached by both political parties to see if she would be interested in a Judgeship, but she turned them both down as she couldn't afford the paycut.

I used to send her e mail with questions, but she never answered them. I asked her, and she got pretty exasperated with me and said,"[asshole]....I'm a litigator". I put the asshole in brackets because she implied it so strongly you knew she meant it, she just didn't have to say it. That's when I knew where George Lucas got his idea for Dearth Vader and The Force from. Well, this is a lot of Grand Strategy, besides regular Strategy, not to mention Tactics, and I don't know shit about any of them. Did that mean I should send interrogatories? Did that mean I wasn't going to get an answer no matter what I did? And if I asked, was it going to turn into a stupid question, which might be construed as a stoopid question? I have to admit, I fuck up like everyone else, you too. But, screwing up with The Lawyer could get you The Stare, where you blood separates and the red corpuscles go to the right side of your body and hide, and the white corpuscles go to the left side of your body and hide and your shit turns yellow. Or could it get worse?

You'll just have to come back for Part 2 after I rest up and atone myself to those I have offended lately.

We Have Rules Here

I called this meeting because some of you seem to think that because we don't have any wall paper in the reception area, or paneling in the board room, that we aren't an organized, well-honed organization. We actually have a complete set set of rules that we strictly and ridgidly adhere to with little or no deviation. You think I am kidding, don't you. Well try this one on for size. Paragraph 817L. No wood carving in the mahogany conference table. There is a corollary, no carving in the CEO.

Accordingly, I have engaged The Lawyer. I will have a lot more to say about The Lawyer in a later post, but needless to say, The Lawyer is not someone to be messed around with, for any reason. And that is why I am confident that the kitchen will be such a rampant success! Until then.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Good Morning

I called this meeting to inform you that regardless of the current state of this boardroom, I am going ahead with this venture. The green tea, French Vanilla creamer, a variety of coffees, mahogany paneling and conference table are on order. Everyone will have their own tank of nitrous and their own custom fitted mask from the dental supply house.

Now, I am only going to ask this once, please make sure that you clean up after yourself. I am not the Martha Stewart type, cleaning is NOT my life. Besides, I am not a blond like Martha, nor have all that hair on my head. So, please be prepared for the announcements as things change around here.