Tuesday, September 05, 2006

The Lawyer (Part 1)

I called this meeting to begin explaining The Lawyer, not an easy task. When you go looking for a lawyer, you go looking for someone that can accomplish what you need done legally in a cost effective and efficient way. You are not looking to make friends. In other words, you want the most vicious killer sum bitch on the planet. So, after a lot of research, I got The Lawyer.

People see great court room dramas and think, that's the lawyer I want. Get me Clarence Darrow. I went after a woman who stands maybe 5' 2" in her stocking feet. She is the ultimate litigator. She once terrorized an insurance company for me to where they settled for 50% more than I hoped for, and then their defense firm sent her an additional check for wasting her time.

I have seen her wilt a 6' 8" forward on a professional basketball team by just looking at him. She just sort of narrowed her eyes before she started her cross examination, and he couldn't take it. Then she threw the book at him. First, it was the textbook on "Torts". Hit him right in the head, Then she threw the book on the "Rules of Evidence" at him, and broke his nose. He started crying and confessed everything over his lawyer's futile objections. Reese Witherspoon used her as a model for her roles in her movies. She has been approached by both political parties to see if she would be interested in a Judgeship, but she turned them both down as she couldn't afford the paycut.

I used to send her e mail with questions, but she never answered them. I asked her, and she got pretty exasperated with me and said,"[asshole]....I'm a litigator". I put the asshole in brackets because she implied it so strongly you knew she meant it, she just didn't have to say it. That's when I knew where George Lucas got his idea for Dearth Vader and The Force from. Well, this is a lot of Grand Strategy, besides regular Strategy, not to mention Tactics, and I don't know shit about any of them. Did that mean I should send interrogatories? Did that mean I wasn't going to get an answer no matter what I did? And if I asked, was it going to turn into a stupid question, which might be construed as a stoopid question? I have to admit, I fuck up like everyone else, you too. But, screwing up with The Lawyer could get you The Stare, where you blood separates and the red corpuscles go to the right side of your body and hide, and the white corpuscles go to the left side of your body and hide and your shit turns yellow. Or could it get worse?

You'll just have to come back for Part 2 after I rest up and atone myself to those I have offended lately.


Allan said...

Yeah. Tell us more, boss.

cinders said...

She sounds like fun, like maybe I know her from somewhere.

The CEO said...

Allan, I'm working on it.

Cindy, she's headed to New York to go shoe shopping. After that, she's going to Paris to teach desert making at this cooking school, then the art of oil painting at this museum, brfore jetting home to prepare her opening argument before the Supreme Court, and attend the opener of the Washington Redskins home opener against Minnesota next Monday night, in the owner's box. You might have seen her before.