Happy Birthday Holmes and Montmorency Parker

Holmes and her sister Watson were born in West Virginia April 24, 1989. Watson died in my arms January 12, 2004, an exceptionally bad day in my life. But this is a happy story.

In 1965, I created Montmorency Parker with a friend at Lido's over a pitcher of beer and a pizza. The story went something like this.

I had a course in Qualitative Analysis (or Physical Chemistry or something with a lot of math) and I worked with a lab partner named Carolyn, who was having a problem with the class. This was a small class, maybe 10 people, so we all knew each other, and the professor knew all of us.

My lab partner Carolyn had set me up with a date for Saturday night. I agreed to tutor her on Tuesday night before the exam Wednesday morning because she couldn't figure out how to do the problems. I spent almost six hours teaching her the course. The next morning, I woke up with a horrible headache. I went in and took the exam with everyone else. I cut the rest of my classes and went back to the dorm and went to sleep. That night, I went to work at an insurance agency where I worked to have money to live.

Friday morning started the beginning of the craziness. I walked into class, and the professor started in right away. He said that the grades were terrible. They ranged from an 85 to a 15 and he was disgusted with our performance. He spent almost the entire hour berating us. Carolyn got the 85. I ought to know, she was sitting next to me and she showed me. Still, I was getting heat from the professor. But, he was also picking on others too. We were about 40 minutes into the 50 minute period when he dropped the last exam in front of me and I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I got the 15. Carolyn stopped breathing. She knew I had taught her the course the night before, and that there was something terribly wrong. Carolyn told the professor I had tutored her in the course and that she couldn't have scored as well as she had without me. He proceeded to humiliate me.

I left and headed back to the dorm, where I had a message from the girl i was going out with the next evening. Her pastor had persuaded her not to go because I was of a different religious belief. Namely she was a Christian and I wasn't. Things were heading into the toilet in a hurry.

Saturday, I went to work, and got paid. I had $66 in my pocket. I went back to the dorm. A friend came by, and said that he was going to Baltimore, did I want to come. I said, "sure". I called home, and my mother said she knew a girl from work. Fixed up by my mother. Sometimes, you have to take what you can get. Turns out, she had a friend. So my buddy had a date too. Things are looking up!

That night, the four of us take in a movie, and we end up in a really nice Italian restaurant. I had met the owner before, and he stopped by. I asked him what was good that night, and he said he'd take care of us. He certainly did. Food started coming to the table that was fabulous. I didn't know what I had gotten myself into. When the check came, it took every penny that my friend had, every cent that I had remembering that I had just received my two week earnings, and every cent that the girls had, and we were still $1.50 short before the tip. I apologized to the waiter as I told him the sad truth. I then repeated it to the owner, as i promised that I'd pay him when I was next in town. We dropped off our dates, and went back to the University. The reason? That's where my cigarettes were and I didn't have any money to buy any more even at $.30 a pack. In the depths of despair, you have to be practical after all.

On Sunday, April 24th, wherever I went, I kept hearing the Beatles song "Yesterday" (if the year I gave is off, the song was already out, and my memory is not perfect that far back).

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away
Now it seems as if they're here to stay
Oh I believe in yesterday......

It was my theme song for a long, long time.

A friend of mine saw Dave and I (my name is also David, as is almost every second cousin I have, so I really prefer Monty) and I told her the story. She gave me $10 so i wouldn't be broke. We went to Lido's and I created Montmorency Parker, hero to the downtrodden. He always had the killing line against miserable Qual professors who were assholes, always had a date Saturday night, always had a spare $20 in his pocket, etc. The etc. is the same as you find in most job descriptions, as in other duties as required.

We incorporated the company on April 24th, and always hold the annual meeting on the 24th of April. So tonight, we went out for pizza and beer with a few folks, like my ex-sister-in-law whom I adore and her boy friend, convened the company meeting, read the minutes, had some beer, etc. We celebrated Holmes and Monty's birthday, and that's how Monty Parker came into being.

Now that you know, my wife can't blackmail me anymore. Sneaky, eh. But, I'm still the same old Monty! That's what my friends have been calling me since the 60's.