Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Baby Sitting Under Duress

I am aware that mothers and occasionally fathers all over the World take care of children who cannot talk and are age two. I am aware that all children at this age are reptilian-brained, three headed monsters, incapable of thoughts beyond being feed since they are powered by a nuclear reactor that requires enriched fuel, and the removal of toxic waste. Part of the problem seems to stem from catching the kid who thinks it is a game to try to evade being caught to have his diaper changed.

If I had the requisite ladder, and the 35 pounds of M&Ms to bribe the kid, I would have attempted toilet training as an attempt to do something positive and to head off urges at aggravated harmicide. The theory being that it is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness. Imagine I said that with a Southern accent, and sounded exceptionally scholarly, and you'll know where I got it from.

I need to get some sleep now because I need to go shopping in the morning. I haven't got a clue how people raise children. There are no carbohydrates left in the house, no alcohol or beer, and I have gnawed the arm off on the recliner in my sleep. I haven't lost a single pound either.

12 comments:

My Reflecting Pool said...

I have to say, I adored my kids at that age. Ah heck, I adore them at any age. Scholarly and southern: no idea who this is.

MJ said...

I am glad that those days are LONG over for my children :)

cmhl said...

you are changing diapers, CEO? you are a man of unseen talents! I hope the babies didn't hogtie you and leave you for the hungry predators!

The CEO said...

Pool, the operative thought is that you had kids. You had all the on=the-job training and help that comes with them. I didn't have the correct strength of Tylenol for the screaming that accompanies the running.

MJ, I can sympathize.

CMHL, it's a far, far better thing you do. The kid would have fed me to a predator for laughs if he could have found one. I was the bad guy that wouldn't let him stick things in the wall sockets.

Glamourpuss said...

Eeew. Small children; no thanks. They smell bad and make too mcuh noise for my taste.

Puss

The CEO said...

Puss, about that headache I wrote you about....

Wicked H said...

Oh no! I can disatch an emergency St. Bernard with the libation of choice. STAT!

Wicked H said...

dispatch...even

The CEO said...

Wicked, dispatch! Quickly!

WanderingGirl said...

And this is why we become infertile after a certain age. We're just not built to chase little ones full-time after a certain age!

Odat said...

aww!
Peace

Crankster said...

I can state, with some level of authority, that two-year old children are absolutely awful, a scourge upon the planet, and should all be wiped from the face of the earth.

Except, of course, for my daughter, who is absolutely perfect and is proof that God loves us.