Saturday, October 13, 2007

We Don't Age, We Improve

This is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an eighty-six year old
woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in
the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account of thirty dollars by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, aceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an application form which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a notary public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than twenty-eight digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons
as follows:


#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that
Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on
hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by an eighty-six year old woman) 'you just need to love "SENIORS" !!!!! (We'll all be SENIORS one day, some of us sooner than others)

And remember; Don't make old people mad. They don't like being old in the
first place, so it doesn't take much to set them off.


M@ said...

They have a lot of time on their hands.... :)

My Reflecting Pool said...

Brilliant old lady. Thanks for posting this. I got a good chuckle!

Wicked H said...

If I make it to that age, I am ready for the letter writing campaigns.

Good for her. I think she and I might be related somehow.....

The CEO said...

M@, you have to wonder why they leave all that talent on the bench?

Pool, Happy Birthday, you're still a kid, but just like family.

Wicked, of course you'll make it that long and longer. And you probably are related, just like we are, and Pool.

Alison said...

I love it!

Also, I notice you are a Rockin' Girl Blogger now. Congratulations!

Eris said...

Adorable. Chutzpah.

Nosjunkie said...

This old lady has spunk.
I need her to come sort out Nedbank they have lost my petrol card application no less than three times

Glamourpuss said...

Good for her. All banks are unspeakable abhorrences.


The CEO said...

Alison, yes I'm a Rocking Girl Blogger, how do you like me in pink?

Eris, you could be her, except you are WAY too young! You have chutzpah! Looks good on you too.

Lee, maybe they need to apply to sell you gas?

Puss, well said, and mortgage bankers, insurance companys, ....

Odat said...

I just love it! Thanks for sharing!

rebecca said...


heartinsanfrancisco said...

My 86 year old aunt sent me this as an email. I LOVE it!!

And she makes some excellent points.

The CEO said...

Odat, for you, almost anything.

Rebecca, my pleasure.

Susan, you have a cool Aunt too.