Friday, January 05, 2007

Rectitis, Not Everyone Gets To Play

Things are taking off, and time is at a premium with the business getting started. Still, it's that time of the year, and I always go in for my physical. After a certain age, depending on your medical condition, doctors take great pleasure in sticking various things up your ass. For me, that started at age 20 when a small cyst was discovered at the base of my spine.

It doesn't take much to give a doctor reasons to stick a finger up your ass if you're a guy to feel up your prostate gland. It's really been "in" for the last several decades. The women doctors are the worst, they keep the latex gloves with the scapulas they use on the women. They tend to chuckle as you're bent over the table with their finger up your butt. But they are downright vicious when they stick the Silver Stalion up there to take a look and they run 80 psi of air inside to move things apart so they can take a good look.

A Silver Stallion is a chromed tailpipe from a 1932 Studebaker with the latest in fiber optics and a lights, an air hose, 4 on the floor, and a tranny that can make you leave your fingerprints embossed in the metal table as you shriek over the rushing air to the doctor that you aren't gay. Even if you were gay, this is not what you would have signed up for.

But, the great leveler is the colonoscopy. Both men and women are blessed with colons, and we all need to have them carefully examined by a trained specialist every five years after a certain age. The Silver Stallion just won't do. No, we just use a flexible pipe and stick that all the way up your ass until it hits your stomach. It has lights, cameras, and a surgical suite. The last issue at my physical was, "I don't have the date of your last colonoscopy, so you should call and get it scheduled pretty soon."

It may be a while before I get my head out of my ass and smell the flowers again. Until then, please remember to nominate people at the Bloggies so they make the final ballot on the 22nd. I ought to be able to see by then.

18 comments:

Pickled Olives said...

Ick.

I just saw the doctor, they said my sonogram (to rule out appendicitis) showed an enlarged uterus. After a moment the doctor said, um, you had a hysterectomy 5 years ago...

I am scheduled for more tests. Hopefully NONE of them include the Silver Stallion.

Echomouse said...

Ouch!! Man, that must hurt. I'm not doing it. Not ever. NO way.

There is another test I highly recommend which is not at all invasive but actually just as important...an ultrasound on the abdomen. Rare cancers and potentials for rare cancers are found that way. Yet the medical world doesn't focus on that because not enough people are dying of it. Right. So get your ultrasound while you're in for your next test ;) This applies to men and women btw.

And that's my public service announcement for the day :)

Alison said...

Sweetie, it's a speculum, not a scapula.

And my dad (my DAD!) has been reminding us kids that we're at that age where we have to start thinking about the kind of exams you're talking about.

The CEO said...

When they slip you the pipe, at least they put you to sleep first. But you haven't eaten for 24 hours before hand, and they have given you something to clean you out. You do want to be clean and smile pretty when they take the pictures. I forgot to tell you about the pictures.....

Wicked H said...

Ah yes, you drink Go Lytely so you can go heavily!!

At least the truth serum they administer is fun for the staff in the room....of course anything that happens in the colonoscopy suite, stays in the colonoscopy suite. Unless one of the staff has a blog. Highly unlikely.

The CEO said...

What happens to a kid that they grow up wanting to stick a pipe up people's asses all day long? And what do you tell the spouse when you get home? "I hosed 5 ugly asses today, and one really gorgeous one."

Claudia said...

ooooh...that does not sound pleasant at all! I can't wait for the day that the body scan to detect anything is the usual MO!!

mist1 said...

Does your doctor take you to dinner first? Mine does. So does my dentist, which seems a little odd now that I mention it.

Lee said...

I feel faint.

cinders said...

So this is what getting older has to offer? Maybe I should change my mind about that living forever thing. Ponce, cancel that Fountain of Youth that I had on back order...

The CEO said...

They do wear these latex gloves but I don't feel like standing and cooking afterwards. On the other hand, they keep telling me, "you don't have colon cancer" and that's music to my ears. Kind of makes it worth it.

Should I do my early detection dance now?

Nosjunkie said...

Thanks very much for sharing.
ouch!!!!!!!!

spoon said...

This is me 'guffawing' at your distress!!!!!!!! he he he, hoo hoo hoo. See,us girls gotta get 'violated' regularly...Anyhow, sorry you got slipped the pipe and i'll try not to imagine you bent over with a surprised look on your face everytime you come to mind.

Odat said...

Gee..thanks for sharing that! lol
Peace

Glamourpuss said...

Silver Stallion? Bet you're walking like the Lone Ranger after that...

Puss

Matt said...

My father has a prostate exam schedule for next week and has no fewer than three doctors working him over currently.

I am fortunate that I have, I think, nine years until my first exam. And it'll be a tight one. I mean, I once passed out in a frat house and nothing! No takers. :)

The CEO said...

It's not a surprise anymore spoon. I just try not to make a habit out of it.

Odat, I ran with what I had.

Puss, I did walk, no running.

Matt, I considered a tattoo saying "Exit on, no entry allowed" but that's like closing the door to the barn after the cow's gone.

Crankster said...

I like my Doctor. I mean, we're not going to pick out silver patterns or anything, but I like the guy. To his credit, when he gave me a proctological exam, I left feeling only mildly raped.

My sympathies, CEO.