I am going to spend some time this weekend on all things cat. Tomorrow, instead of naming someone to You The Man for the week, I am declaring it Holmes' Day. I have cleared this with several well known pets, and they are OK with it.
I was going to write about why you should never, ever de-claw a cat or any other animal for that matter, and why I am so completely, opposed to it. Unalterably, unmovingly, unarguably, irretrievably, don't even bring it up, they ought to string up any vet that would do it opposed. But I am way too happy to go looking for a fight today. Euphoric.
So, I got some stuff together to give you sort of an instruction manual on how to pill a cat. I got most of this from my vet, a wonderful woman who has been with Holmes since we have been together.
1. Pick the cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and the cat from behind sofa. Cradle the cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve the cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4. Get new pill, cradle the cat in left arm holding the rear paws tightly with your left hand. Force the jaws open and jam the pill to the back of the cat's mouth. Remove finger and hold the cat's mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from hallway and the cat from the top of the wardrobe. Get spouse.
6. Kneel on floor with the cat wedged firmly between knees. Pin front and rear paws with your left hand. Get spouse to hold the cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat's mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub the cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve the cat from curtain rail, get another pill. Make a mental note to repair curtains and buy a new ruler. Carefully sweep the shattered figurines and vases from the hearth and set aside for gluing at a later time.
8. Wrap the cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on the cat with the cat's head just visible below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force the cat's mouth open with a pencil and blow the pill down the cat's throat with the straw.
9. Call the emergency number for poison control and ensure that the medicine the cat is taking is not harmful to humans. If it isn't, drink a beer to take away the putrid taste, and apply hydrogen peroxide and a bandage to the gash on your spouses' arm.
10. Retrieve the cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place the cat in cupboard and close the door on its neck to leave its head showing. Force its mouth open with a desert spoon, and flick the pill down with an elastic band.
11. Get the tool box and put the door back on the cupboard. Drink the beer, then get the bourbon and the scotch. Pour a shot of each, drink up. Repeat. Make cold compress with ice and apply to face. Check for the date of your last tetanus shot, it's probably with your passport. Put some of the scotch on the ice compress and try to disinfect the cheek. Have another round. Throw shredded t shirt away and get another one from the bedroom.
12. Call the Fire Department to get the damn cat out of the tree across the street. Apologize to the neighbor who crashed into the fence trying to avoid hitting the cat. And take the last pill from the bottle.
13. Tie the little bastard's front and rear paws together with parachute cord and tie tightly to the center leg of the dining room table. Get the heavy leather work gloves. Push the pill down the cat's throat followed by a piece of steak, then two (2) pints of water to ash it all down.
14. Drink whatever is left. Ask spouse to drive you to the Emergency Room for stitches to fingers and forearms, and to have the remnants of the pill removed from your right eye. Ask spouse to order a new dining room table.
15. Call SPCA and ask to trade the mutant cat from hell for maybe a hamster or a rabbit.