Friday, November 24, 2006
In Honor Of Mist 1
It was oh dark thirty and I was putting on my war paint after climbing into my camo for the Super Bowl of the Shopping World, Black Friday. This was the day that retailers everywhere cut prices and increased their volume and in so doing, turned a profit for the year. These were the largest discounts given during the year, and they kicked off the Christmas Shopping Season. Power Shoppers everywhere trained all year long for this day, and finally, it was upon us.
The stores had been sending sale announcements to shoppers to build interest. Shoppers took these announcements and after careful analysis and more research on the Internet and thorough processing on the neural net taking into account the sum of all purchases (gifts and otherwise) grouped by store, and integrated across the the probability mass so you can make sure that you get the highest dollar return for your effort. It's just like having sex with a girl you like where you want to make sure she has multiple orgasms. You can't leave these things to chance, you know.
Costco was offering discounts for the very first time in its existence. But they had a kicker that was certain to make them a hit at the holiday season. They had two pair of Manolo Blahnik Over-The-Knee Suede Boot with a 4 1/5 heel, that zipped in the back and diamond cutoffs on the cuff. The boot retailed at Neiman-Marcus for $1450, but my Costco had two pair size 6 1/2 for $500.
Normal people would not be able to get within miles of that Costco for days. Power shoppers score goodies where angels fear to tread, and this would be no different.
The Wednesday night before Thanksgiving, I had hidden in the store after it had closed. The trick was to hide the boots in a place where only I could retrieve them and therefore purchase them. Getting to the store was going to be impossible, parking was going to be insane, and the lines at the checkout registers were going to be impossible. Yet the prize was worth it. The boots were to die for.
And now, after all of the preparation, the training, the car modifications, it was game time, and I was prepared. It was time to go to war. I had good intelligence on traffic from Pickled Olives and was prepared for the LOLs (Little Old Ladies) who liked to run you off the road in their Nissan Pathfinders if you dropped below 70 on the Interstate. They liked to sneer at me and call me Sonny while kicking gravel in my face. I don't think they were thinking of the "Godfather" when they were doing it either.
I was ready. I had ordered an upgrade to my DeLorean from Industrial Light and Magic and had the Light Speed Generator installed. Cheap at $9950. At 0230 I started my attack. I rolled out onto the Interstate. I weaved at traffic started getting heavier, and then the LOLs started trying to hem me in. I cut right and down shifted accelerating to 77 miles an hour and then I punched the magic twanger and the car leaped into the air, and all the little dots of light turned into curves. The GPS started beeping when we were over Costco, which was in 0.000003526 sec. Light speed is really fast, 11.2 inches in a nanosecond. I punched the "Land and Park" button and the car wafted down into the best parking spot by the exit door. Next, I set up the self-correcting auto-gyroscopic triple mirroring system that would render me invisible walking to the front door and through it. I had to get in early and the lines were already half a mile long. Deception was mandatory.
The rest was pretty much cake. As the doors opened, I slipped in and rushed to the back where I retrieved my pair of boots from their hiding place at the top of the third rack of the Tide aisle. I was tempted to rush to the front where the cash registers were, but I noticed a high end Kitchen Aid coffee grinder and I was recently clued in to a source for good Cuban coffee by Claudia. And then there was the new Cuisinart blender that I just had to have, and the price was really attractive too! And the LG refrigerator with the built-in TV.....
I am standing here in my kitchen with the vodka sitting in the water in the empty milk carton freezing in the freezer, while I am grinding some Starbuck's Verona coffee. I have to get a hold of Claudia's Mom and get some of the good Cuban coffee so i can get wired every morning and jumpstart my heart n'shit. I am making 8 cups of coffee for myself because I am mixing up some sort of drink in the blender that has Asti Spumanti, Apricot brandy, 43 (a vanilla extract cordial), Grand manier, and some orange juice, with some ice. I just love chemistry. And now, you'll have to excuse me. I'm going to go read your blogs, and kick back, and get loaded, and drink coffee, and laugh a lot. The Manolo boots are sitting right here. I only spent $4235 at Costco, but look at the bargains I got!
All of this happened, more or less. -- Kurt Vonnegut