Friday, November 24, 2006

In Honor Of Mist 1


It was oh dark thirty and I was putting on my war paint after climbing into my camo for the Super Bowl of the Shopping World, Black Friday. This was the day that retailers everywhere cut prices and increased their volume and in so doing, turned a profit for the year. These were the largest discounts given during the year, and they kicked off the Christmas Shopping Season. Power Shoppers everywhere trained all year long for this day, and finally, it was upon us.

The stores had been sending sale announcements to shoppers to build interest. Shoppers took these announcements and after careful analysis and more research on the Internet and thorough processing on the neural net taking into account the sum of all purchases (gifts and otherwise) grouped by store, and integrated across the the probability mass so you can make sure that you get the highest dollar return for your effort. It's just like having sex with a girl you like where you want to make sure she has multiple orgasms. You can't leave these things to chance, you know.

Costco was offering discounts for the very first time in its existence. But they had a kicker that was certain to make them a hit at the holiday season. They had two pair of Manolo Blahnik Over-The-Knee Suede Boot with a 4 1/5 heel, that zipped in the back and diamond cutoffs on the cuff. The boot retailed at Neiman-Marcus for $1450, but my Costco had two pair size 6 1/2 for $500.
Normal people would not be able to get within miles of that Costco for days. Power shoppers score goodies where angels fear to tread, and this would be no different.

The Wednesday night before Thanksgiving, I had hidden in the store after it had closed. The trick was to hide the boots in a place where only I could retrieve them and therefore purchase them. Getting to the store was going to be impossible, parking was going to be insane, and the lines at the checkout registers were going to be impossible. Yet the prize was worth it. The boots were to die for.

And now, after all of the preparation, the training, the car modifications, it was game time, and I was prepared. It was time to go to war. I had good intelligence on traffic from Pickled Olives and was prepared for the LOLs (Little Old Ladies) who liked to run you off the road in their Nissan Pathfinders if you dropped below 70 on the Interstate. They liked to sneer at me and call me Sonny while kicking gravel in my face. I don't think they were thinking of the "Godfather" when they were doing it either.

I was ready. I had ordered an upgrade to my DeLorean from Industrial Light and Magic and had the Light Speed Generator installed. Cheap at $9950. At 0230 I started my attack. I rolled out onto the Interstate. I weaved at traffic started getting heavier, and then the LOLs started trying to hem me in. I cut right and down shifted accelerating to 77 miles an hour and then I punched the magic twanger and the car leaped into the air, and all the little dots of light turned into curves. The GPS started beeping when we were over Costco, which was in 0.000003526 sec. Light speed is really fast, 11.2 inches in a nanosecond. I punched the "Land and Park" button and the car wafted down into the best parking spot by the exit door. Next, I set up the self-correcting auto-gyroscopic triple mirroring system that would render me invisible walking to the front door and through it. I had to get in early and the lines were already half a mile long. Deception was mandatory.

The rest was pretty much cake. As the doors opened, I slipped in and rushed to the back where I retrieved my pair of boots from their hiding place at the top of the third rack of the Tide aisle. I was tempted to rush to the front where the cash registers were, but I noticed a high end Kitchen Aid coffee grinder and I was recently clued in to a source for good Cuban coffee by Claudia. And then there was the new Cuisinart blender that I just had to have, and the price was really attractive too! And the LG refrigerator with the built-in TV.....

I am standing here in my kitchen with the vodka sitting in the water in the empty milk carton freezing in the freezer, while I am grinding some Starbuck's Verona coffee. I have to get a hold of Claudia's Mom and get some of the good Cuban coffee so i can get wired every morning and jumpstart my heart n'shit. I am making 8 cups of coffee for myself because I am mixing up some sort of drink in the blender that has Asti Spumanti, Apricot brandy, 43 (a vanilla extract cordial), Grand manier, and some orange juice, with some ice. I just love chemistry. And now, you'll have to excuse me. I'm going to go read your blogs, and kick back, and get loaded, and drink coffee, and laugh a lot. The Manolo boots are sitting right here. I only spent $4235 at Costco, but look at the bargains I got!

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All of this happened, more or less. -- Kurt Vonnegut

19 comments:

mist1 said...

I am crying. Real tears. I have to scroll up and look at that photo for a little while longer.

How come nobody else does this for me? What's wrong with people? If everyone would just dedicate a little of their time to thinking about me and my shoe fetish, the world would be a better place. For me.

Thanks.

The CEO said...

Thanks for all the help you've given me Mist, I have appreciated it enormously!

Claudia said...

Ok...those boots would be worth the early morning...ya got me there...

The CEO said...

Claudia- I wouldn't go for a coffee grinder, trust me.

Pickled Olives said...

LMAO!!! I love the war paint and the aggressive old ladies! You get em!

Those boots. oooooooooh, pretty. And there's a fridge with a built in TV???? I need it, but wait, I'd have to rearrange the kitchen in order to watch it...whew, almost got me on an impulse buy!!!

Just D said...

What is it about these girls and their shoe fetishes?? I am so glad I've gotten too old to worry about how high the heels are, comfy is better. Sunglasses though....... THAT is a fetish to die for.

Clare said...

Ooh they are really nice boots and your cat is really cute too.

Crankster said...

Two men got in a fight at my local Wal-Mart over a flatscreen TV today. One pulled a gun. Luckily, the problem was solved without injury, but the whole thing has me a little shaken up.

Alison said...

I can't believe it. Those boots actually made my heart beat a little faster.

The CEO said...

Olives- I couldn't have done it without you. LG does make a side-by-side 22 cubic foot fridge with a built-in TV. Prices vary. Get it on sale.

JD (hint)- they had designer sunglasses on sale and I'm sure they had several dozen pair that would flatter you

Clare- So nice seeing you. I didn't see Madona's concert, i was too full, and plotting the true meaning of Thanksgiving here- Power Shopping. Thank you for noticing my cat, a raison d'etre. I hope to see you here again soon!

Crankster- WalMart is going to have to reinstate Dodge City rules from the 1880's. check your guns at the door before you come into the store. Where's Wyatt Earp when you need him?

Alison- I picked that boot myself! I keep telling women that I'm a leg man. How'd the tart come out?

mist1 said...

kisses

Just D said...

Hint at the JD... very clever. You do it.

lol

The CEO said...

Mist1- more

Just D- thinking about it, that or shoe manufacturing

rebecca said...

i'm not sure which i liked more, the boots or the kurt v. quote.

all in all, i love your blog :hugs:

The CEO said...

Rebecca- the Vonnegut quote is taken directly from the bottom of Mist's site. I am not the literary one.

123Valerie said...

That post proves that holiday miracles really DO happen. All is right with the world.

Odat said...

Yes...those boots!!!!

P.S. you;ve been tagged!

The CEO said...

Val- you're onto something, the Redskins won today 17 - 14, you are a wizard!

Odat- I'm doing it on your site now

Glamourpuss said...

You know Mist and I are the same shoe size. At least one of those pairs of boots has my name on it…

Puss