Monday, November 20, 2006

The Official Completely Serious Totally Objective Absolutely Unauthorized Review of the Tiffany King Blog

Since late Friday afternoon when the elite technical staff of The Morning Meeting was assembled in complete secrecy and darkness (daylight ends at 4:30 PM around here), the most extensive review of both the content and physical presentation of the A dog, a cat, and a girl in fabulous shoes Blog written by Tiffany King, hereafter known as The Blog.

Right away, it was obvious that almost everything was just wrong. Totally, absolutely wrong. When you read the given Mission Statement of The Blog you get : "When choosing between two evils, I like to try the one I've never tried before. ~Mae West" as the sacred mission. This is the standard that we used to measure the success of The Blog against, to be Totally Fair and Completely Objective, Naturally. There's not much to be found in the way of Mae West evils and I mean to tell you, I went looking for some evil. I was particularly interested in the Booty post where a patient tells her she has the butt to die for. I even posted a comment at the time requesting a picture of that butt. So far, bumkus (I know it's spelled with a 'p', think about it). Nuthin'. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Nothing. Not Nowhere.
Here on the left, is an instruction manual for you Tiffany, for exactly how to accomplish this and spicy up the blog a little. There's also the bending over pose, and well, you can use your imagination. You can get the patient who was so motivated, or even this reviewer to be the photographer. This might also be an opportunity to see some of those fabled "fabulous shoes" from the title. So far, Tiffany had lost 62.4 x 10x23 points dwarfing Avagadro's Number. Things were going downhill fast. Then there's the whole Cool Kids thang. First of all, if you want to hang with the Big Timers, you have to be able to spell. You want to be a K-E-W-L kid, Kids Eating Wicked Lunches, formerly Kids Eating Wholesome Lunches. Both involved massive amounts of protected sex, so there was no ambiguity. This was the desirable group. Cool went out in the 60's. more lost points. Thank Goodness, we have computers to help us tabulate, and Price Waterhouse representatives. And the music, Oh My Lord, I have yet to hear a single movement from Beethoven. Not a single movement from Brahms. I'm talking negative numbers so big that deficit financing is no longer available.

But the killer, the real disaster for The Blog is the color scheme. I cannot tell you the number of investigators that needed sedation. We're using the standard of orange juice, Asti Spumanti and Grand Manier to lay 'em out. We're being merciful. It is Monday Morning after all. Not to worry, we'll get 'em rehydrated if it takes all day and night. I'll see to it myself. Just as soon as I finish this report.

Both the Palomar Observatory and NASA Goddard report the color scheme on The Blog when differentiated have caused the latency and rotational delay of Pluto to degenerate and therefore and more importantly thereby degenerate Pluto into a dwarf. The people at Disney are furious, their stock dropped when they reported their last quarterly results. For giving us a buying opportunity in Disney (DIS), we gave The Blog points.

Last, can I get some of your Mother's pie recipes already? C'mon. I mean, Total Objectivity ain't cheap today. And don't forget the fillings, not just the pie crust.

Now, i could go through the computational methodology, using various interstitial, normalizing measures, and computing, and I could show you the integrations, the triple integration was actually fun, really, and when you factor in the part about hurting men she got points, lost them for not spanking me when she had the chance, got them back for not getting me after the epidurals, got more points after the cat incident this weekend, she scored more points than you can write without scientific notation. Not that I have a soft spot in my heart for cats, nope, I am TOTALLY SCIENTIFIC AND OBJECTIVE and let us never forget that.

If you're looking for hot sex and a lot of skin, The Blog is not the place for you. If you don't like Tiffany's current musical selection and you can't turn your speakers down, and you can't tough out the song, don't come here. You can point at all of the design gurus and they will all say that you should never put music on your site. Correct. That's for professional designers designing professional sites. If you want to see a professionally designed web site here is the Global Transportation Consultancy Web Site and the designers have gone to the trouble of optimizing search engines searches on about 1200 pairs of industry specific words. Their designer, singular, used a color designer found in this article by Lorelle on WordPress on designing with color. In fact, I read Lorelle VanFossen a lot, particularly for blogging tips and a great place to start for any design issue you can dream up. Me, i wanted a simple blog. Look at this. Looks like a book, doesn't it. Black letters, or at least they look black on a white page. Pretty fucking ingenious, wasn't it. Totally by design, I am a designer, by the way, don't you know. Let me read a minute, showed you a professional site where a guy makes a living off the site (I know him and his SO), gave you some references, no you can't use mine, I go straight to the source of all things good and holy, namely Alison, my bloggy kid sister (mom had a love child in her wanning years). There may be a complete sentence in there, but it's doubtfull there's a complete thought. No matter. We forge on. There are more faux Mimosas to drink. Or is it pseudo mimosae? Is it afternoon yet? My Greek is terrible. Being a critic, tough work, I have to tell you. Maybe you just had to read the last review of her site, burp. I'll take another hit of that stuff too while you're standing over me, thank you.

Now, if you are looking for a blog where you can meet a decent person, who works hard, and open herself up, and her family to you and everyone else, with warmth and welcome, you've come to the right place. If you like the humor, can deal with the angst, can deal with the hair styles and the color changes, have a clue what it is like to live alone and away from the people you are closest to, then you have come to the right place. If you want to be a part of something warm wand inviting, then jump in and be a part of it. You'll either fit or you won't. Everyone has been welcome. Tiffany publishes multiple times a day, so I tend to check there more than I check my own blog. She probably has more to say than I do. Why not drop in and decide for yourself, never trust a critic when you can think for yourself. That goes particularly for me!
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Just when you thought a post had ended. I got a call from Batman on the Batphone while he was patrolling Gotham City. He said, "CEO, people are complaining about your post because they never read the original critical review. Can you correct that while i am fighting the forces of e-vile here in Gotham?" "Sure" I said. And you can read it here.
And for you Batman, anytime!

11 comments:

mist1 said...

Mimosae?

Did you just make that word up? Still, I'd like one please.

The CEO said...

I would NEVER make up a word Mist, NEVER. Would you like your Mimosae shaken, sired, or done in our patented cement mixer?

desiree said...

Huh?

The CEO said...

Go to Tiffany's sight and read the original review Des, it'll all fall into place,

123Valerie said...

I got as far as "booty," and I zoned out a little. Then you talked about hot sex and a lot of skin and "multiple times a day." Dude, what are you trying to do to me?

Yeah, I concur, Desiree. Not sure what it was either, but I liked it.

The CEO said...

Thanks for coming around Val, it was a spoof of a nasty review. It's tough writing with one's nose stuck up one's ass. But I stuck it out.

rebecca said...

i love her blog. love her haircut. and more importantly I WANT THAT GREY AND WHITE KITTY!!!!!

i'm not kidding.

please give her my e-mail address.

cmhl said...

I used to use that exact same color scheme on my blog--- I loved/ love it!

Matt said...

Very nice. What I like best about that blog is the fact that "Mom" weighs in, too. And the white girl music is okay, too.

cinders said...

Seriously, the original review wasn't even that harsh. They are entirely too nice to have an address like iwillfuckingtearyouapart. Plus, it's voluntary, remember.

I don't really believe in blog reviewing. They're just people's personal sites. Granted, some are nicer than others, but I find blogs about blogs boring. It's like eating a picture of cheesecake. Pointless.

The CEO said...

Rebecca- done, get your grey and white kitty here!

cmhl- I was kidding, honest.

Matt- thanks, I read her blog before I check my own, I was afraid Ih wrote a piece that only her readers would understand

Cinders- I tried to write something that was starting in darkness and coming into the light. I hated the review because of the way she wrote it. You don't start by saying that you're late because you're hung over, then say that you hate the music, the template, and some of the writing, and leave. She was more enamored with herself.

I need more photographers and physical therapists and lawyers, people who contribute, who create, not who preen and knock down.