Thursday, December 14, 2006

Your Opinion Counts Here

CMHL has asked a very pointed question on her blog dealing with when do you give up on a marriage. With all that we have seen about philosophy, and particularly communications, when do you think that a relationship is over and why?

14 comments:

Odat said...

When everything about the marriage is all one sided....and you get tired of carrying the load on your shoulders for years and years.
Peace

Lee said...

I didn't know whether I should comment here or there...so I chose here. I personally knew my marriage was over when I realized I would rather stick an ice pick thru my eye rather than ever have sex with my husband again. Unfortunately, instead of leaving him right then, I tried to hang in there for the kids and consequently, ended up having a messy, torrid, Jerry Springer type affair with a neighbor. The most horrific nad personally dissapointing period of my life. I've learned to trust and act on my instincts in a quicker fashion. I will not be participating in the contract of marriage again.

P.S. I promise I will email soon! I owe everyone!

mist1 said...

That would have to be when the collect call from a correctional facility comes in the middle of the night. Here's the bail money...and here's the divorce papers. Sign here and here. Fine, you keep the cat, but I'm taking the Saab.

Claudia said...

I don't know. Honestly. A few things come to mind...cheating, compulsive liar, spending all the money or wracking up debt behind your back, abuse...but I've never been married and I don't know what my breaking point would be. Certain things can be worked through, others can't.

Alison said...

Someone left a comment saying "The three As: addiction, abuse, adultery."

I'd say either of those things. But then someone else posted an interesting theory by Dr. John Gottman. Here is the entire comment. I'm posting all of it, because when I read it, I said "Bingo." This isn't a deal breaker per se, but it makes a lot of sense to me:

For nearly a quarter century, Dr. John Gottman has been studying why marriages succeed or fail, and one his most surprising findings is, as he puts it, “A marriage succeeds to the extent that the husband can accept influence from his wife.” Those words come from his Web site www.gottman.com/marriage/self_help/,where he adds that a man has “a shaky marriage” if, for example, his wife says, “My mother is coming that weekend, and I need your help getting ready,” and he replies, “My plans are set, and I’m not changing them.”

Why does it matter that it’s the man who can “accept influence” and not the woman? “A husband’s ability to be influenced by his wife (rather than vice-versa) is crucial because research shows women are already well practiced at accepting influence from men, and a true partnership only occurs when a husband can do so as well,” Gottman says.


Thanks to the anonymous commenter who posted it.

MJ said...

I have never been divorced, so I don’t really know WHAT would be grounds for leaving and splitting up the family.. I will not be cheated on and I will not be abused in any way ..

I have been told ever since I was a little girl to NEVER SETTLE.. and I don’t and wont. This is the very same information that I pass on to my children.

All marriages have their up’s and downs but a marriage takes work every day, I think that sometimes spouses get too comfortable and stop making an effort every day to make marriages work …

~~Just my 2 cents ~~

The CEO said...

Dr. Gottman is a marriage counselor in Seattle who also does his own research. This particular piece is one of several pieces of excellent advice gottman gives to couples to help them. Another was that couples typically wait for six years to get help when they know they are in trouble. Marriages typically end in seven years. It is worth going to see the rest of the tips.

www.gottman.com/marriage/self_help/

Again, this is another 'exercise' in perception. Everyone will see this through their own eyes. My comment on CMHL's blog was that a relationship ends when either party stops working on the relationship.

Steven Novak said...

When both parties involved don't want to be married anymore?

Seems like a simple question to me. ;)

Steve~

The CEO said...

Pleased to meet you Steven. I hope you come back often. It's always nice to have another opinion!

Jocelyn said...

I have a friend who has had two affairs during her 14 year marriage, and because I adore her, I can, for the first time, see someone who cheats as someone who's acting out of profound pain. She and her husband are still in couples therapy, but I was also trying to suggest activities/common goals/things to do to reconnect, and every single thing I listed to her ("take a language class," "compete in an adventure race as a team," "join a book club") came back with a legitimate reason why it wouldn't work for them. Outside of the kids and paying bills, they have not one thing in common. They may not know it completely themselves yet, but I'd say that marriage really is over.

Pickled Olives said...

I work at a law office where we do a lot of divorces. By the time people hire a lawyer, there is usually nothing left to salvage. Enough nasty words and actions have passed between the parties; too much damage has been done to forgive.

I think when there is no respect left for your partner, you won't get it back.

The CEO said...

Hi Jocelyn, how nice to meet you. I do hope you get to come around more.

Olives- I would have never guessed you for a law office, and since that's the case, I am going to continue that way. I really, really, really adore MY Olives, the multi-orgasmic painter with exquisite taste. You know the one I mean. It's my perception, and I'm sticking to it.

rebecca said...

when your values/goals are different for the future of the relationship, when you cannot respect the person you're living with, and you consistently envision your future without that person.

this is because when the respect is gone, nothing else can grow.

i know, it happened to me.

Glamourpuss said...

When you no longer like yourself in that relationship. That’s the time to give up and leave. I always ask myself ‘Would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?’ Then I accept my limitations and get out.