Monday, October 30, 2006

Re-Dating Is Not Like Re-Gifting

When you have been married since two days before recorded history began, some things just don't enter into your consciousness. I was blogging yesterday, and I saw a woman who was pissed off at her husband, not exactly an uncommon theme, and a variety of interesting topics, until one in particular caught my eye. Tiffany King had sent me to a woman named Mimi Lenox who coincidentally had a site called Dating Profile of the Day. We're talking about ads that men had written to try to attract women.

An amazing amount of computation on the fly took place. Huge. I installed more memory and continued computing. I was hung up on one issue. Why would I ever do this? I have a perfectly good, usable, viable, serviceable, working model wife. She has more teeth *and* hair than I do. Using this heuristic, I calculated the subjective probability that my rule that I predecease her was the most probable outcome of all possible scenarios, namely that she predecease me, or the push that we jointly decease which is still a win for me. See what I mean. And it's always the really fast option in my calculations. Benefits of doing the experimental design! Still, the outcome of me surviving my wife had a non-zero probability. So, I needed to plan.

I immediately called a family meeting. This is a family matter, after all. My wife and the cat appeared at the appointed hour. I had green tea, crackers, and warm brie cheese embedded with almond slices for my wife, and warmed tarragon turkey slices shredded for the cat. We eat well, I have a rule. I asked my wife of 991 years "if something happened to you and I had to find another wife, how would I do it?" at which point she and the cat started laughing hysterically. This was not working well. My wife said, "you wouldn't have any problem." I asked, "But how am I supposed to find all of these women?" Picking up the crackers and cheese, and her tea, my wife left and as she did she said, "that will be your problem!" And the cat followed her right out of the room.

And that's how the craziness started in trying to figure out where and how you advertise for a woman after you've been married for 900 years. Stay tuned.

10 comments:

Echo Mouse said...

LOL
I can say (not from experience mind you) that when a man loses his wife in that way, women tend to line up to be his new wife. So I would say, all you have to do is let all within 20 miles know you're a grieving widower and you'll be beating them off with a stick.

Just don't remarry too soon. I used to read a fellow blogger who lost his wife to a horrible disease. I read all along with him, as others did, as she fought for her life. Then the oddest thing happened. Within 6 months he had a new wife. Worse than that, she was blogging too AND criticizing the decor of the now deceased wife. It put me right off. I stopped reading him. It's probably normal to remarry quickly, I just don't think it's a good idea. And it freaks me out when spouses can do that, especially when they had a good marriage.

mist1 said...

I don't redate. I do ref*ck. Ref*cking is like recycling and it's good for the environment. Okay, maybe it's not good for the environment, but it keeps me from feeling slutty. It keeps the number of men I've slept with down.

cmhl said...

My mother has said if my father dies, she will in all likelihood never remarry. If SHE dies, however, he will remarry within 6 months, no doubt. She claims that men after a certain age can't function without someone to take care of them.

cinders said...

I'm still working on dating the first time around here... But you, you have a whole team of blog women vying for your attention. No problem.

MonkeyLover said...

I'm with cinders and mist. ref***ing keeps the numbers down, and well the whole dating first time around is my first goal.

I can tell you, however, that my father has lost 3 wives (he's not like the black widower or anything, he keeps losing his wives to other men) and he is never hurting for a date on his arm. Single, older gentlemen are a hot commodity hair or no hair!

mist1 said...

I'd like to meet monkeylover's dad.

Crankster said...

The other side, of course, is that widowers who don't rapidly remarry have an extremely high mortality rate. This, by the way, might be a good tack to take if you decide to return to this subject with your wife (and cat)!

Glamourpuss said...

I know a few candidates if you do find yourself widowed - most have teeth, and hair, in fact one of them has a lot of hair, even on her head...

Puss

rebecca said...

as the others have said before me, i agree - you'll have no problem. no need to advertise, just keep blogging!

pass the crackers, please.

The CEO said...

You all are my friends, the people I talk to, the people I'd turn to when I am in pain. I need you all always.