Thursday, October 12, 2006

What Modern Women Want

The Wife, who I married in the year 1015, decided that she wanted to go back to work a couple of years ago. She went through extensive clearance process that included me being interviewed, then intensive training, a short apprenticeship, and was thrown into the fray to sink or swim. She then proceeded to get three promotions in the next year and a half. I had invited her boss to dinner on several occasions, and she had said that we would get together soon several times. That was two years ago. A week ago, her boss decided to make it happen. Tonight, my wife and I had dinner with a 28 year old female team leader.

We met at a local steak house and were seated. When the waiter got our drink orders, I passed up getting beer, as the Team Leader (hereinafter and forevermore known as TL) ordered a Sprite, and I picked up on that subtlety like a change in a traffic light. I demurely (remember, I am a trophy husband) ordered my usual Diet coke Atlanta September '06, preferably from the Peachtree District. I sniffed the screw cap and noted no excess acidic aroma, and tasted the sample poured by the waiter. It was a delicious red. I nodded and he filled my fluted glass, putting the remainder in the high hat next to me, filled with ice, to keep the drink cold. Too warm and the entire drink can go flat. I can't have that.

Picking up my drink I asked, "I haven't seen you for a while, what have you been doing TL?" She explained that she had been home for vacation, and that she had been to her high school reunion while she was there. I nodded to show that I was being attentive. She went on about how pleased she was to see that her emergency backup husband was there and still single. TL now had my undivided attention. The conversation went something like this.

Me: What is an emergency backup husband?
TL: This guy and I from high school have an agreement that if we aren't married by the time we're 36, we'll get married for the convenience. Besides, we travel well together.

Me: What about things like love, sexual compatibility, companionship? (I looked at my wife and smiled deeply committed)
TL: I see you don't understand the modern woman.
Me: It wouldn't be my first time, please, explain the modern woman to me.
TL: What the modern woman is looking for in a man is for him to fill in her benefits package. I need a guy with better eye glass coverage and better dental than we have. Otherwise, why bother?

My mind reeled under a confluence of things, and i choked trying hard not to say wtf. TL noticed.

TL: what are you trying to say?
Me: mumbling
TL: It's OK to cuss, I grew up on a farm.
Me: No shit.

Imagine, empowered to curse by a 28 year old. I was on a roll!

And then my wife communicated with me in no uncertain terms in a way that husbands and wives have understood for centuries. Her foot instantly found it's way over to my foot and ever so gently, yet insistently left the following somewhat endearing message. Shut the fuck up. Instantly, I complied , yet kept the conversation going, much to everyone's delight

Me: Tell me about what your folks raise on this farm?

Note to self: Buy some Healh Care Exchange Traded Fund, and dangle in front of wife to get lucky.


mist1 said...

That's romance.

mist1 said...


I have always wanted to be a trophy wife. Except that I don't cook, clean, wipe babies asses, or put on makeup on a regular basis.

I think I would like a trophy husband. But not to attractive. I don't want other women coveting what I've got.


Echo Mouse said...

I'm with Mist, a trophy husband better.

I think that TL has missed what the REAL modern woman wants. She doesn't want a man for those reasons. She wants a man for sex and fun. The rest of that stuff, benefits coverage etc., she wants to earn herself. At least that's how I went at life. Worked fine for me over they years :) I'm alone and you know, when the shit hits the fan in life, a partner to help in crises would be worth their weight in gold. I think that's what marriage should be. Love and getting through this minefield called Life, together. So you and the wife are doing it right I think :)

cinders said...

I just want a man with a house that I can move into and takeover. I have pretty good insurance myeslf.

cinders said...

Oh, and he should know how I like my eggs in the morning.

desiree said...

You know, I could potentially be happy either way but if I had to choose I would prefer a trophy husband as well. The insinutation is that I make enough to support myself quite well at the same time as another human being and that sounds fantstic. I work 60 hours a week and I'm hardly supporting myself here, so I aspire to such a time when I can support someone else. Plus that means foot rubs and someone to program the tivo I would be able to afford and a someone to snuggle with. Trophy husbands sound awesome. Now I just need to find a better job and a willing man.

The CEO said...

I figure that there's not as much difference between men and women as people think. There are some people who are idiots, and some people who are worth hanging with. When people got rated on their looks on a scale of 1 to 10, I was like a 2. When I get to cook, Ibecome an 8 or a 9. That's because the way to a woman's heart is through her stomach. After that, you just become friends.

That's how I lucked out

WanderingGirl said...

My back up husband got married already. Now I have to start all over again.

mist1 said...

Honey, a woman's heart is not through her stomach. It's all about shoes.

Shoes = Love

Also, wine helps.

spoon said...

Oh you're a better man than I am then. Well if you forget for a moment that I'm actually a woman. Why get married at all if that's how you think. If love and adore someone it sometimes still doesn't last so how's the convenience of having a good dental plan going to pan out when you wanna strangle your new roomie?? I would've suggested she just go back and live on the farm with mom and dad, that's solve all her problems - she wouldn't even need dental -bad teeth in the rural areas is acceptable!

spoon said...

Now a gay backup like I have is acceptable, cause he's fun and I love him. Only I will have to settle with being only one of his backup wives...

MonkeyLover said...

It's not all about a good insurance policy- otherwise I would hook up with the Systems Tech guy at work like everyone wants me to (Married people love putting single people in their box!)

And Trophy Wife? No for me, that means I look better than what he deserves... and by god I want a trophy husband :) I'll cook, he'll clean and look pretty doing it.

and unbeknownst to him, I have a back up, I am plotting to have a sexless marriage with him when we both end up old and alone. We'll have good times though, he's practically gay :)